July 12, 2023

I am the one whose self-critic is based on abandonment and helplessness, shame and fear. The pain is so deep and spirals out of control into visions of self-harm.

I am the one who can feel the helplessness of neglect as violent rage toward myself. I am the one who can feel my mind punching and stabbing myself over and over until I’m exhausted, defeated and perpetuating the shame cycle that doesn’t really belong to me—yet it still feels like it does as I learn to unravel this part of me.

I still don’t quite understand this pattern but I’m also seeing it more loudly. Perceived “neglect” and “abandonment” seem to trigger trauma flashbacks and imprints of pre-verbal neglect and abandonment. There’s so much overwhelm that turns to self-hatred as a means of protection.

I want you to show me a more gentle way out than these violent self-harming attacks.

My gift to you is intensely bringing it to the surface so you can see how harmful this is. You need to feel and see it this way in order to work it out of your being.

Ahead waits self-love, compassion, embrace, peaceful head, heart and body.