August 31, 2023
I am the one whose hypervigilance is being tested. I am the one sitting in the midst of debri, dust and disorganization. I can’t control any of it and all I sense is danger. My system is on high alert scanning my surroundings for everything that can hurt me.
I am the one who is very young and feels trapped, threatened, unsettled and full of helpless rage. The tiger sits waiting.
I am the one is is trying to access my adult capacity that knows I am not in danger. I appreciate the butterfly who helps to remind me that I am free and in charge and have options even when I’m uncomfortable.
I want you to know you’re getting much better at recognizing what’s going on instead of flooding your system with overwhelm. Sure, you’re uncomfortable and unsettled but you are not helpless and not threatened. Those feelings are survival parts from your past that show up when you feel triggered. Now you are able to have the awareness and capacity to manage it. That shows me you’re able to step into your true self to know you’re not in a danger zone, just a work zone.
August 27, 2023
I am the one who climbs mountains with curiosity and ease.
I hold the young parts in my heart with love and protection. This is how I can weather all climates and dimensions to see what is magically in front of me.
I am the one who loves to be open and carefree like a bird soaring through an open sky of possibilities.
I want you to know that when you stay in your heart, there is endless beauty that awaits you.
August 24, 2023
I am the one who is aligned with my true self when I walk away to take care of ME.
I am one who is so attuned to my inner sensations and outer environment, I know when it’s time to leave. I am the one who honors that no matter what.
I don’t have to be in prison just because you are. I am the one who doesn’t need you anymore for my survival—so I get to decide what I need first. I don’t have to sit and listen to victim-hood, negative repetitive looping and ongoing insults especially when I can feel my insides spinning.
I don’t have to minimize my true feelings and make exceptions when my body sensations are directing my authentic actions. I am not on this earth to take care of you. I am here to take care of me.
I am the one who is peaceful, at ease and happy when I listen to my own inner voice. This is where magic, color, auras and chakras light up and flow.
I want you to pay attention, listen and act without regret or guilt. Your system shows you what you need. You are the adult who knows exactly what feels right and no longer the little ones who feel bad, helpless and trapped.
Shine your light upon your self and live the life you are meant to live.
August 16, 2023
I am the one who wants so badly to break free—tangled in a sea of over-working, over-trying, over-doing, yet still stuck and defeated. I am the one who will do almost anything to make things happen yet after a while, how diligent, persistent and committed can one be with no significant outcome, no shift—sinking in quicksand.
I am the one who would rather crawl back in my box and disappear, hiding from the world and myself to make my failures and shame go away.
I am the one who watches time tick by while others all around me move with ease as they climb mountains.
I am the one who wonders, why not me? I have what it takes but why is it so hard for me to get to the top of my mountain? How can I not ask, what am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with me?
I want you to know there may be a higher purpose you’re just not aware of yet. Maybe something magically aligned awaits you. There is no logical reason you haven’t gotten to where you’d like to be and it’s certainly not for lack of trying or ability.
Keep a gentle pace filled with self-compassion, acceptance and belief as you continue to move forward with exploration and curiosity.
It’s really not your fault. You’re not to blame. You’re doing everything right.
August 10, 2023
I am the one who protects you 24/7 from all the dangerous unknowns and what ifs. I get an A+++ in hyper-vigilance since I’m on call at all times. I am also really exhausted since I never let my guard down. You can never know what to expect and it’s impossible that things can always be safe and peaceful. Even when they are it doesn’t last. Something is always lurking around the corner. When you least expect it, there it is again.
This is why I stand guard at all times scanning for what can happen. I’m older now but I’ve grown up with you—looking out for you with wide eyes, in waiting, since we’re babies. I really want to retire from this job but I’m not sure how to separate from you.
My gift to you has always been to keep you out of harms way and always make sure you’re ready for whatever comes.
I want you know I love you but my job is coming to an end as soon as I can figure out how to let go. With my retirement you will be free from my entrapment.
August 6, 2023
I am the one who can’t be in the crossfire of rage.
I am the one whose young parts are terrified of your rage even if I try to defend myself as an adult.
I am the one whose body collapses, shakes inside and becomes confused and silenced. I have no agency to make decisions or fight back for more than a short time.
I am the one who retreats and feels bullied. I am the one scared of your energy and your facial expressions. I know it’s not my fault yet I feel blamed and shamed just by your intense anger.
I crawl up and cry tears of terror and overwhelm to release this dysregulation from my system to move on.
My gift to you has always been to keep you out of harms way and always make sure you’re ready for whatever comes.
I want you know I love you but my job is coming to an end as soon as I can figure out how to let go. With my retirement you will be free from my entrapment.
August 3, 2023
I am the one who is still in shock—dysregulated and confused by the events of that day.
I am the one who unconsciously still feels this trauma flashback imprinted in my nervous system. I know because this memory showed itself organically in the midst of extreme dysregulation leading up to a current kitchen renovation.
I felt the young scared parts who saw the flames shooting out of the kitchen window after I got off the school bus that day. I saw you yelling at me to go get help. I dropped my backpack and took off like a speed racer with all the adrenaline overwhelming my teenage body, yet felt frozen and helpless like the baby. You refused to leave the house until the firemen convinced and escorted you. I remember you yelling, “I will NOT leave my house” and I stood frozen watching this—scared of what might have happened if they were unsuccessful.
Then I remember a kitchen burnt with black holes in the ceiling and soot that spread through our family and living rooms. We had no working kitchen for weeks, maybe months since you refused to fix it until the insurance money came in.
I remember you blaming 15 year old sissy for the fire since SHE should have been paying attention or hear something when YOU left the food cooking and took a call locked in your bedroom down the hall.
I remember stuffing my true feelings of fear and chaos since you never once asked if WE were OK.
I am the one who knows I have the capacity as an adult to manage the disruption of a renovation, but felt it as if I was 13 watching a burning house.
August 2, 2023
I am the one who walks a fine line between spiraling into the trauma vortex and staying in the life vortex.
I am the one who smells fragrant flowers and flies with butterflies and who also resists the urges to get tangled within chaos, shadow sides, self-harming voices and rodents.
I am one who smiles with trepidation as I find my way, yet with determination to feel authentically free.
I want you to know to hang in there. Freedom waits for you and holds an abundant space.
August 2, 2023
I am the one who sits in the middle yet edges towards a green pasture. Still finding my way but leaning in. I am the one whose intention is split yet intuition brings me closer to the side I crave and slightly away from the darkness step by step.
I want you to know, inch by inch and base by base and you’ll get there.